Carlos, the international terrorist...

Well my name is Carlos, but I am an international terrorist. That is if you ask the fine people of Qatar (commonly pronounced "cutter" or "cut-tar"). So, I am finally in Kuwait on my way back to the states from Awesome-stan (which is now less awesome because I left) and I went through Qatar to get to Kuwait. Why? Don't ask. Anyways, I get there and land on a US military base. By the way, I flew there on like the biggest airplane ever. You could play football inside this plane. It was totally empty which added to the ginormousness of the C-17. Anyways... so we land in Qatar on a US military base. I stress that it was a US base for a reason. Follow along.

So we land and we have to get out bags checked and go through customs. A bit odd I thinks to myself since I am still on a US base, but whatever. I get this brief telling me no weapons are allowed in this country, no alcohol, no tobacco, no porn (to include muscle and fitness magazines) and an array of other prohibited items. Wait... did that guy say no weapons? What about this loaded pistol on my hip? Good question. Before I go through customs I have to turn my pistol into the base armory and retrieve it when I am about to leave. Again...odd but whatever.

So I turn in my pistol and my loaded magazines (magazine = thing that holds the bullets in the gun) and go trough customs. There was this navy dude and we had been traveling from the same place going to the same place and we became travel buddies. We watched each other's stuff when someone went pee and we always made sure the other guy didn't get lost. So as we are carrying our bags through customs my travel buddy gets stopped for having unloaded M16 magazines. What? Yeah, the US Air Force guy there helping the Hadji customs agents tells us they confiscate magazines (not the reading ones). I think this is stupid and only applies to carry on bags (I have 8 magazines in my sea bag but it is locked up) as it would in the states. Since mine are in my checked baggage I figure I am good. Travel buddy takes him magazines back over to the armory and turns them in, but forgot to suggest the same to me; thanks travel "buddy". I go put my bags on the x-ray machine and go for it. Of course hadji customs agents see the magazines in my bag, make me open up my bag, take out the magazines and turn them over to them. What? Yes, that's right on a US Military base I got empty magazines to a high powered assault rifle confiscated. Now, I would expect this at a regular airport if I had them in my carry on. This isn't something most TSA agents run across daily, but I am a US Marine Officer on a US military base returning from a combat deployment in Afghanistan...what do they expect me to have marshmallow bullets that pop out of a pez dispenser? To make it worse, the jack ass ch-Air Force idiot comes over and tells me it was my fault for having magazines and that if this had occurred a month from now I would have been arrested. ARRESTED?? I try to hold my tongue because profanity and disrespect can get you deported from this country (and being deported = not making my flight out of Kuwait back home). So I hold my tongue this entire time as Hadji guy steals my magazine but when ch-Air Force idiot tells me I should be arrested for being a terrorist I can't hold on anymore... I ask him "isn't this an AMERICAN MILITARY BASE? How can they (referring to the Hadji patrol) arrest ME?" He replies (get this) "they wouldn't arrest you, we would." OMFG!! I am seriously about to punch this guy in the face and start shooting people (but again, that would only be a short term solution and would derail me from getting home...but boy would it have felt good to do) but I just shut my mouth and tried to get out of customs as fast as I could before I got deported.

So my own country was going to arrest me for being an international terrorist in Qatar? I mean, I don't mind if other countries classify me as an international terrorist (I probably am in their eyes) but my own country assisted in me being classified as an international terrorist and labeled as such in Qatar. I had to sign some forms before they finally let me leave. And of course the forms were in arabic and they wouldn't tell me what they said. So I think I signed an admission of guilt to being a terrorist in Qatar. I doubt they will ever let me return... sorry wifey, I guess we have to cancel that dream vacation of ours to wonderful Qatar; turns out I am an international terrorist.

To make the situation even weirder (is that a word?) also in my sea bag (next to the empty magazines) i have a 14 inch K-Bar knife and a Holy Bible. I can do a lot more damage with a 14 inch knife than 8 empty high capacity magazines and a Bible is WAY more offensive to these Hadjis that anything I might have wanted to say.

Well, the situation is over. I made it out of the beautiful and prosperous country of Qatar without going to jail, killing anyone or committing other various crimes against allah (although I did eat a ham sandwich - don't tell) and am here in Kuwait, ku-waiting for my flight home tomorrow. What a day. At least I had a smooth, clean shaven face in which to commit terrorist crimes against the state of Qatar, right?

What's in a name, really?

So as I am preparing to depart from Afghanistan my beloved electric razor died. Well sort of died. It doesn't work anymore. So I have to switch back to the good "old fashioned" super razors and shave gel. There is a product out there, the mach three. Advertised as "triple blades provide the closest shave possible". What is doesn't advertise is that it is strictly for dudes. Sorry ladies, no mach three for you. But what did the manufacturer do...they made a lady version. It is called the "venus trio" or something lame. Well, when old faithful died I went to the very small shoppette here to buy a new razor. My choices?... one of those multi packs of "cut your face to shreds" disposable razors or... that's right... the venus trio. At first I protest. They HAVE to have other razors, right? No. So I buy the "slice your own face beyond recognition" disposable ones and use them exactly once. After almost bleeding to death (and refusing to shave my jugular) I went pack to the shoppette and admitted defeat.

I fought it for a while as I stood in the shoppette but finally sink into the fact that I have to buy a lady razor to shave my face. My life sucks...(not really, but buying a lady razor isn't a high point). I finally convince myself that the venus trio is just the same as the mach three but slightly different... yeah, slightly for GIRLS!!! My manhood just died a bit as I went to the check out counter and paid $7.40 for the lady razor. Not only do I now have to use a lady razor to shave...I had to pay for it... and pay way more than I should.

But what's really in a name? So THEY (whoever THEY are anyways) calls this razor the "venus". So what. A venus fly trap is pretty cool, right? It eats bugs. That's kind of manly. Sort of. Ok, now I am just trying to make myself feel better, but I am still shaving with a razor designed for girl's legs and underarms.

A sad day for men everywhere...