Carlos, the international terrorist...

Well my name is Carlos, but I am an international terrorist. That is if you ask the fine people of Qatar (commonly pronounced "cutter" or "cut-tar"). So, I am finally in Kuwait on my way back to the states from Awesome-stan (which is now less awesome because I left) and I went through Qatar to get to Kuwait. Why? Don't ask. Anyways, I get there and land on a US military base. By the way, I flew there on like the biggest airplane ever. You could play football inside this plane. It was totally empty which added to the ginormousness of the C-17. Anyways... so we land in Qatar on a US military base. I stress that it was a US base for a reason. Follow along.

So we land and we have to get out bags checked and go through customs. A bit odd I thinks to myself since I am still on a US base, but whatever. I get this brief telling me no weapons are allowed in this country, no alcohol, no tobacco, no porn (to include muscle and fitness magazines) and an array of other prohibited items. Wait... did that guy say no weapons? What about this loaded pistol on my hip? Good question. Before I go through customs I have to turn my pistol into the base armory and retrieve it when I am about to leave. Again...odd but whatever.

So I turn in my pistol and my loaded magazines (magazine = thing that holds the bullets in the gun) and go trough customs. There was this navy dude and we had been traveling from the same place going to the same place and we became travel buddies. We watched each other's stuff when someone went pee and we always made sure the other guy didn't get lost. So as we are carrying our bags through customs my travel buddy gets stopped for having unloaded M16 magazines. What? Yeah, the US Air Force guy there helping the Hadji customs agents tells us they confiscate magazines (not the reading ones). I think this is stupid and only applies to carry on bags (I have 8 magazines in my sea bag but it is locked up) as it would in the states. Since mine are in my checked baggage I figure I am good. Travel buddy takes him magazines back over to the armory and turns them in, but forgot to suggest the same to me; thanks travel "buddy". I go put my bags on the x-ray machine and go for it. Of course hadji customs agents see the magazines in my bag, make me open up my bag, take out the magazines and turn them over to them. What? Yes, that's right on a US Military base I got empty magazines to a high powered assault rifle confiscated. Now, I would expect this at a regular airport if I had them in my carry on. This isn't something most TSA agents run across daily, but I am a US Marine Officer on a US military base returning from a combat deployment in Afghanistan...what do they expect me to have marshmallow bullets that pop out of a pez dispenser? To make it worse, the jack ass ch-Air Force idiot comes over and tells me it was my fault for having magazines and that if this had occurred a month from now I would have been arrested. ARRESTED?? I try to hold my tongue because profanity and disrespect can get you deported from this country (and being deported = not making my flight out of Kuwait back home). So I hold my tongue this entire time as Hadji guy steals my magazine but when ch-Air Force idiot tells me I should be arrested for being a terrorist I can't hold on anymore... I ask him "isn't this an AMERICAN MILITARY BASE? How can they (referring to the Hadji patrol) arrest ME?" He replies (get this) "they wouldn't arrest you, we would." OMFG!! I am seriously about to punch this guy in the face and start shooting people (but again, that would only be a short term solution and would derail me from getting home...but boy would it have felt good to do) but I just shut my mouth and tried to get out of customs as fast as I could before I got deported.

So my own country was going to arrest me for being an international terrorist in Qatar? I mean, I don't mind if other countries classify me as an international terrorist (I probably am in their eyes) but my own country assisted in me being classified as an international terrorist and labeled as such in Qatar. I had to sign some forms before they finally let me leave. And of course the forms were in arabic and they wouldn't tell me what they said. So I think I signed an admission of guilt to being a terrorist in Qatar. I doubt they will ever let me return... sorry wifey, I guess we have to cancel that dream vacation of ours to wonderful Qatar; turns out I am an international terrorist.

To make the situation even weirder (is that a word?) also in my sea bag (next to the empty magazines) i have a 14 inch K-Bar knife and a Holy Bible. I can do a lot more damage with a 14 inch knife than 8 empty high capacity magazines and a Bible is WAY more offensive to these Hadjis that anything I might have wanted to say.

Well, the situation is over. I made it out of the beautiful and prosperous country of Qatar without going to jail, killing anyone or committing other various crimes against allah (although I did eat a ham sandwich - don't tell) and am here in Kuwait, ku-waiting for my flight home tomorrow. What a day. At least I had a smooth, clean shaven face in which to commit terrorist crimes against the state of Qatar, right?

What's in a name, really?

So as I am preparing to depart from Afghanistan my beloved electric razor died. Well sort of died. It doesn't work anymore. So I have to switch back to the good "old fashioned" super razors and shave gel. There is a product out there, the mach three. Advertised as "triple blades provide the closest shave possible". What is doesn't advertise is that it is strictly for dudes. Sorry ladies, no mach three for you. But what did the manufacturer do...they made a lady version. It is called the "venus trio" or something lame. Well, when old faithful died I went to the very small shoppette here to buy a new razor. My choices?... one of those multi packs of "cut your face to shreds" disposable razors or... that's right... the venus trio. At first I protest. They HAVE to have other razors, right? No. So I buy the "slice your own face beyond recognition" disposable ones and use them exactly once. After almost bleeding to death (and refusing to shave my jugular) I went pack to the shoppette and admitted defeat.

I fought it for a while as I stood in the shoppette but finally sink into the fact that I have to buy a lady razor to shave my face. My life sucks...(not really, but buying a lady razor isn't a high point). I finally convince myself that the venus trio is just the same as the mach three but slightly different... yeah, slightly for GIRLS!!! My manhood just died a bit as I went to the check out counter and paid $7.40 for the lady razor. Not only do I now have to use a lady razor to shave...I had to pay for it... and pay way more than I should.

But what's really in a name? So THEY (whoever THEY are anyways) calls this razor the "venus". So what. A venus fly trap is pretty cool, right? It eats bugs. That's kind of manly. Sort of. Ok, now I am just trying to make myself feel better, but I am still shaving with a razor designed for girl's legs and underarms.

A sad day for men everywhere...

When Zad…ohh Now Zad.

Well what has been going on here… other than the death count rising not a whole lot. I was out traveling earlier about two weeks ago. I went to visit Now Zad. Now Zad is an interesting town. A little history lesson… around 2006 the British held a small base on the west side (west side!) of the town and the Taliban held positions on the east side. The british had a pretty successful attack on the Taliban one day and the Taliban responded with 18 attacks on the Brit base in 23 days. Well the local populace of Now Zad said, “I’m outta here” (but they said it is Pashto) and they abandoned the city. Since then there have virtually been no civilians left in the city.

Today the Marines hold the small base on the west and the Taliban live in the woods that line the river on the east side. The rule of thumb (when looking at Now Zad) is that the Talibans hold everything that is green (living trees), the Marines hold all the built up areas (the abandoned town) and everything that is brown (dead or dying vegetation) is no man’s land. The Taliban have reinforced fighting positions, rank structure, a chain of command, guard post and training areas. They are a “legitimate” and “organized” enemy force. I am pretty sure that what is going on in Now Zad has not been seen by any military in a very long time; we have our side, you have yours and we meet in the middle to fight. The Taliban have so many mines buried in and around their area that when a new Taliban fighter shows up to the area they physically tie a rope around the new guy and connect it to an older, more experienced fighter. The new guy has to follow the experienced guy around so he won’t blow himself up, although this does happen often.

The Marine unit there has had 5 or 6 double amputees (legs) resulting from land mines. Every Marine that goes out brings two tourniquets with him. Some even put the tourniquets on their legs, just not very tight in anticipation of needing them soon. Some of the amputees didn’t live long with both legs blown off but some make it back to the US where they now have prosthetic legs and are undergoing rehab to learn to walk. There is a board up on the Marine base showing the amputee Marines back stateside using their new legs and smiling for the camera at their buddies back in Now Zad. The Marines that are still in Now Zad find comfort knowing that their buddies are being taken care of back home.

The Marines in Now Zad sleep 1000 meter (or yards if it is easier) from known Taliban fighting positions with around 100 Taliban fighters. And you think you didn’t sleep well last night? So why would I go somewhere so dangerous? Let me explain something I didn’t emphasize enough…there are like 200 Marine Corp Infantrymen at the Marine Base. So, yes I was 1000 meters away from 100 Taliban fighters while I slept, but I was surrounded by 200 other Marine Grunts… I could not have been any safer. Trust me. Sitting here at Camp Bastion is just as safe as Now Zad, unless you go for an afternoon walk through the countryside… then you may need to wear a tourniquet (or two) around your legs.

I must also admit that my trip to Now Zad made me a cheater… I am sorry Cali but I couldn’t resist another cute, blonde that liked to kiss (maybe I should apologize to the wifey). They have bomb sniffing dogs out with the infantry units and the one I met there was named Corporal Clay. Now Corporal Clay is a highly trained bomb smelling dog, but due to factors I won’t go into, these bomb sniffing dogs are worthless. They are not even used on patrols, they are essentially morale boosters and platoon mascots. So for the third deployment out of four, I have come across another Canine Mascot. Libo was our Haji dog mascot in Iraq, Genius and DBIED (doggie born IED) were our Hadji dog mascots in Kuwait and now we have Cpl Clay, an honest to goodness American Lab. I guess I saved the best for last. Nothing compares to an American dog… third world Hadji dogs are just not the same. Not nearly as awesome as a USA dog. Not nearly as awesome as my American dog, Cali; AKA Super Dog!

We had continued to have a rough time with casualties the past few weeks. Please keep the men fighting on the front line in your thoughts and prayers. They don’t do this for the money or the recognition, and I can’t explain why they do it, but they are doing the tough job each and everyday.

And don’t ask me why we don’t just bomb the Taliban side to hell… don’t even get me started people.

Random Fact of the Day…
Holland is the only country with a national dog… so I guess dogs in Holland might be cool too. But I doubt they are as cool as Super Dog and Cpl Clay.

Now Zad and Cpl Clay (dog) pictures

The most fun I have had on this deployment (so far)

Another long one... you may want to sit down for this...

Let me explain something to you all, incase you aren’t aware. There is a digital revolution going on in America and the young people (how old do I sound saying “young people”) are leading the revolution. Say goodbye to CDs, DVDs and live television… no I’m not talking about IPods and Tivo, I mean gone are the days of movies and music being on a disk and TV shows being only on your TV. Everything you can watch and listen to is available digitally and can be shared with thumb drives, even passed via blogs. I came out here with an empty 250MB external hard drive (if you are already confused about what I am talking about find the nearest person under 30 and have them translate) that is now almost completely filled. Filled with what… um almost every good movie ever made, every good TV show that comes on, and thousands of songs. It is common practice for Marines (who are continually linked to the latest batch of 18 year old high school graduates) to swap out hard drives and copy the good stuff from one hard drive to another.

Now, while I watch movies and TV shows every so often, I consider myself to be musically inclined and somewhat a walking music anthology. You like 80’s rap, I got it. You like classical, I got you covered. You want the latest cool bands not on the radio, easy. You want music from when my parents were kids, I got that too (assuming you like big band from the roaring 20’s).

Recently I was going through a co-workers hard drive and I saw a folder the contained the Billboard top 100 songs for every year from 1970 until 2007. Think about this for a second. Each decade has 1000 songs. So I got the top 3700 songs from 1970 and on. Not only that this guy had the Rolling Stone (magazine not band) top 500 Rock and Roll Songs of all time as of 2007. What a music find!

Not I added them all to my ITunes, but I am too OCD to just let the song title, artist, album title and genre be filled in by the last guy. I consider the song Fame (which was song 66 in 1980) to be 80’s pop while others would consider it 80’s soundtrack or just soundtrack. I can’t have that kind of mislabeling going on. Some songs don’t even copy the title and artist into ITunes. So for the past two weeks or so (when I wasn't reading or working) I have been going song by song putting in the correct title, artist, album, and genre for each song; and I am deleting songs I already have as to avoid having duplicates. Now while this sounds on the verge of dysfunctional and tedious the fun part has been remembering songs I might not have heard in like 15 years. While that in itself is fun, the fun part has been having crazy flashbacks to days of old in my life. And since the songs are arranged by year, I am slowly going back in time. Prime example… if you asked me what girl I had a crush on in the 4th grade I would not have been able to tell you. I probably wouldn’t have even remembered having a crush back then. Girls probably still had cooties. I would have denied the whole thing. BUT, when the song “1,2,3,4" by Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine came on… I was instantly back in my elementary school auditorium for the school talent show. A girl (a 6th grader at that, ooh scandalous) and her musical partridge family-like siblings performed that song. She was the lead singer of the family which was why her family was allowed to enter the talent show-like event. I don’t think it was actually a talent show but not the point. Bam! Just like that I time traveled to the 4th grade (btw that song was song number 62 in 1988) and when I was 7 years old. It took a few mins but I was even able to remember the girl’s name. I don’t remember anything from 1988 except the LA Dodgers won the world series when Orel Hershiser pitched and Kirk Gibson hit that home run where he pumped his arm the whole way around the bases to win the series for LA. Hey, that was a big event in the life of a 7 year old boy in LA. Other than that I can hardly tell you who my teacher was in 4th grade yet alone anything else. There have been other fun moments traveling down memory lane but I will save those for some other time. The flash backs have been fun, but not enough to go back to my high school reunion. While I think it is fun to remember days of old and the silly stupid things young boys do, I like being able to cut my stroll down memory lane off when I choose to.

Now for those of you thinking “ohh, I want to know who you had a crush on in 4th grade” get over it. I’m taking it to my grave. And for those of you thinking “ohh, what does wifey think about your 4th grade crush?” Get over it. She had a boy name their pig after her when she was younger in an effort to win her affection. So when it comes to old stupid crushes from like a million years ago, I got her beat hands down. What? Was that too personal? Sorry.

Now, while the list of my past crushes is short (but growing) it is all in the past and just silly now. The whole point here was just how much fun I have had listening to the chart toping bands/songs such as:

- Sisqo’s Thong song - #14 of 2000
- Miami by Will Smith - #53 of 1999
- All For One by Sting, Bryan Adams and Rod Stweart (from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves) - #12 from 1994
- Now and Forever by Richard Marx - #23 from 1994 (memory lane story – I was in Jr High 7th grade and during his speech for Student Body President one candidate (9th grader) brought his buddy on stage and they performed this song playing their guitars. Not sure what else he said in his speech but he won. It also took a while to remember his name but I finally did it - Steve Chung. He ended up being class president at the high school too I think.)
- Nothing my love can’t fix by Joey Lawrence (whoa) - #83 from 1993 (yes that guy from Blossom made a CD and happened to make the top 100. Let’s just say 1993 was a weak year for good music, that or the power of the teenage girl was realized once again.)
- All I Want Is by Toad the Wet Sprocket - #65 from 1992 (memory lane story – this CD was the first CD I ever owned. I got a new gismo called a CD player for Christmas and got this CD and the CD from the TV show “The Heights”. You may remember their song “How to You Talk to an Angel”.)
- C’est La Vie by Robbie Nevil - #16 from 1987 (oddly enough I heard this song on the British radio station just this morning. I think the last time this song was on the radio was 1987... even in England.)
- Borderline by the then young and pre-karbala Madonna - #35 from 1984
- Who Can it Be Now by Men At Work - #30 from 1982 (oddly enough this is the ring tone my Mexican Marine friend has as his ringtone on his cell phone)
- And the number 1 song from the year I was born – 1981…
Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes… some of you probably remember that song when it came out in 1981. And to those who can remember this song I say – you're old.

I will have all these files available to any of you to copy when I get home. So you can have your own fun down musical memory lane.

And I finaly got to the 7's music and I must say the 70's had crappy music. I realize that since I wasn't around to fully "appreciate" the times I may not fully "appreciate" the music. I am sure PO will have the same thoughts on music from the 80's and 90's but I won't let him utter the words "the 80'd had crappy music". A person could get beat up for something like that. Bands like Bananarama and Culture Club are timeless.

With that I'm out.

What have I been up to lately...

I have been reading… stand by this is a long list.


I think the last book I reviewed was “The Great Gatsby” which means the next book I read was “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Housseini. Let’s see here a book written by an Afghani author about the recent history (last 80 years) of Afghan history… hmmm I think this might just be a winner. Ok, not really. The book was about two women (although they both started off as girls) who end up married to the same man. And what starts off as a bitter rivalry between two wives turns into a story of two women that are both victimized by the same man and together they find power and eventually turn on their husband. When the husband starts beating one of the wives the other ones ends up killing him. The murderous wife gets caught but not before the other wife manages to escape and lives a long and free life in Iran… (although I think that is where the fiction really begins) and the other wife ends up being executed by Taliban justice in a soccer stadium while the whole town cheers. Oops did I just ruin the ending for you all, darn. Don’t waste your time. Life sucks over here for these people, but they still haven’t learned how to use toilet paper, so they probably deserve what they get.


After that heart warming feel good book, I turned to “How to Kill A Mockingbird”. This is the wifey’s favorite book. I was a bit disappointed. After reading the title I thought the book would be more of a “How To” than a fictional drama set up in a racially charged era in small town Alabama. I was expecting to learn some tips on how to kill mockingbirds instead I learned of a touching story Jem and Scout Finch and how good always triumphs bad. Ho-hum. I guess expectation management would have really helped. If I knew I was getting into a fiction story I might not have been so disappointed. But, I learned nothing of how to kill mocking birds. So those birds remain on my “not sure how to kill it” list and may stay there until I can find a REAL book on how to kill a mocking bird.


After the disappointment of the 1950’s racial biased era, I felt the need to no be disappointed again. So I picked up a John Grisham book and made sure to read the back of the book so I knew what to expect. This one was called “The Broker”. This is the story of a power hungry lobbyist lawyer who was representing clients that “discovered” a secret satellite surveillance system. When his clients end up dead and his multi-million dollar deal goes south he finds himself landed him in Federal Prison. The CIA convinces the outgoing President pardoned him and banish him from the USA; living a life incognito. That is until the CIA leaks his location to the Chinese, Israeli, Russian, and Saudi intelligence agencies and then watches to see which agency kills him first. But they forgot they were dealing with “The Broker” who turns out to out smart every major intelligence agency in the world and their highly trained assassins. In the end “The Broker” outsmarts the bad guys, convinces the CIA and the Washington Power Elite to help him and returns to Italy to the arms of the woman he fell in love with but never even knew his real name. Yeah, I see that working out. Way to start a relationship on about a thousand lies. Uh huh. Ok, this guy got out of Federal Prison, escaped a dozen of so assassins, got the secret satellite info back into the USA where he continued to outsmart assassins… and the part I find hart to believe is that he actually has a shot at love with the female lead character… wow. I guess if Tila Tequila can have a shot of love (or 3) then this guy should get the chance too.
And I read that book in 24 hours. I found myself stranded at a different base with nothing to do but read. So I did, and I read the entire book in one day. I didn’t mean to there was just nothing else to do.

Anyways after that book I read one my in-laws sent me. Now I have to credit my mother-in-law with the book since it was her name on the return label of the package it was in. But let me tell you the book started off with two strikes against it. When I opened the package I started digging through the box like it was Christmas morning and at the bottom of the box was a book. But all I could see of the book was the “Oprah’s Book Club” logo stamped on the cover. I was immediately deflated and I rolled my eyes. You know how most people complain about their crazy in-laws? Well while the wifey actually has valid reasons to complain I have been very fortunate not to have any “crazy in-law” movements. But when I saw the Oprah’s Book Club logo, I thought to myself “what kind of ‘get in touch with my feminie side’ crap is this crazy woman sending me?” Now to be fair and up front I will admit before I go any further in this story that I was wrong. She didn’t send me any “get in touch with my feminine side” crap and she isn’t crazy. But you can’t blame me from thinking that. It is just the Oprah thing threw me. I mean Oprah was able to convince Dr Phil to completely sell out his own kind, emasculate himself daily on his show “Oprah part II”, and she has convince him to almost completely neutered himself. She has some sort of evil witch power over him and I didn’t want any of that evil on me. Anyways… That was strike one on the book. Strike two was, the book is a thousand pages long. Let me simplify that: 1,000 pages!!! Seriously, 1,000 pages. I pretty much max out at like 250. And books with that many pages have to have pictures in them. This book… no pictures. OMG! Seriously. Oprah endorsed the book AND there are a million pages!?! I had no chance or winning. But utter boredom finally won out and I started reading. The book is “The Pillars of the Earth” by Ken Follett. It is set in the 1100s and although it takes place in the 1100s the characters don’t talk like it is 1100 in England. The cuss using words we use today. And they talk about things probably not talked about back then. I think one character even said “as if”. Like she was a valley girl or something. I thought that the modern language helped. I didn’t get tied up with sentences like “Does thou thither and whom doust thou thither unto?” What does that even mean? Anyways… The story spans like 80 years and each section has years associated with it and a section may fast forward several years from the last section. The first 1/3 of the book is character development and none of the characters tie in together. Chapter 5 has nothing to do with Chapter 7, and none of them were connected to Chapter 1. But as most stories go, all the characters end up connected at least at one point in time and the story quickly builds to that point. Slowly character X runs into character Y and character B crosses path with character G. At the end all the characters are tied together and the aftermath of their encounters are nicely tied up. All in all, this book was one of the best books I ever read in my life. Good recommendation Papa-Bull and Mama-Bull. If any of you have the chance (say a summer vacation or a ten days in the seventh ring of hell (I mean Louisiana) and need a book to read, read this one. You probably wont finish the book as quickly as I did (I read 378 pages one day) but it will be a good read.
But for those that do read the book here is a discussion topic:
With all the characters in the book I ask the question of “who is the main character?” Who is the story really about?
I have my ideas but I will await to hear from you on your thoughts. And I do realize this could take like years to wait for people to get through a billion page book like this but I am patient. I will wait and discuss this later. Did you notice how I never told you anything about the story, I just talked (at length) about the book itself. Now you are curious; maybe even curious enough to read it yourself? Hmmm?


After reading a zillion page book, I took a break. But I succumbed to boredom again, and I read one my dad sent me. “The Last Patriot” by Brad Thor. Just the right book at the right time. A Grisham-like book that villianizes the muslim religion and sets the stage for a counter terrorism fight that started with Thomas Jefferson and the Marines fighting the (muslim) Barbary Pirates in Tripoli. Apparently, Tom Jefferson (or Tom Jeffy as he liked to be called) had found evidence that the Prophet Mohammed had a final peaceful revelation from Allah saying no more religious wars (jihad) and was then executed by his closest friends after he told them about this revelation. Tom Jeffy found evidence that could revolutionize the muslim religion but (much like the DaVinci Code) Tom Jeffy used riddles, codes and code machines to protect this information from falling into the wrong hands. And in the end, the good buy wins and the dirty muslims die. Ok, they didn’t but the good guys (USA) still won. Score one more point for the patriot act! Suck it ACLU!! Bo-yah!
But after reading the book I wondered what would happen if this book became as big as the DaVinci Code. Cause we know how much the Catholic Church loved the DaVinci Code. I think the Pope personally did 100 “hail Marrys” each day damning Dan Brown to hell. So I am sure the muslim world would love this book. If only someone would make a movie about it. Cause the Catholics are too lazy to really do anything about a book twisting the history of their religion but the muslims nation… they are just looking for a reason to put a Jihad on someone. As if Britney Spears and The Real World weren’t reason enough to hate us, let’s make a movie twisting the truth about their most revered leader. I mean, it isn’t like these animals would kill anyone over a fiction book, right?

After that book, I started to read another one my dad gave me, something about human psychology and the different mindsets we have (the child, the adult and the something else). This book was way too much for me. Way too technical and I finally put it down with no intentions of picking it up again. Sorry dad, I tried.

I am also reading the “Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis. Another book the Catholic priest gave me. So far so good. Not much of a story, but I will wait until I finish it to review it.

Anyways, That is enough for one day, I’m out.